She's Changed; I've Changed: The Changes of Parenting

She's changed.

I've changed.

It seems like lately, we both are totally different people than we have ever been. We are both angry and tired and just plain fed-up with crap. The little things seem to annoy the both of us. I've found myself flipping out over something as simple as us having too many garbage bags! The reality is, parenting is tiring. It is overwhelming. It is the most strange concoction of beauty and bullshit, peace and chaos, appreciation and anarchy. I often wonder how we got here, how we have allowed the world and our children and extended family to drive such a wedge between us. The lack of sleep doesn't help us much either. There are days we both just want to give up. Hell, it would be easier to give up and just walk away. As a significant other, you shouldn't do that and as a parent, definitely not. But there are days... days when I (we) just want to throw in the towel. Days when being an adult is the LAST thing we want to do. But, we do it.

I love my children, more than anything. I love Suzi just as much. I don't hate my life and I wouldn't want it to be much different than it is. Truthfully, it is and can be so absolutely breath-takingly beautiful. But there are days when it makes you want to pull your hair out.

For instance, just yesterday I flipped a lid on the kids because for the entire weekend, Suzi and I had been asking them (our kids and nieces) to clean their room. They spent nearly 4 hours over the course of the weekend cleaning their room because they were so destructive. By Sunday night, the girls had all told us their room was clean and perfect, and this time we took their word for it because they had done a pretty good job of cleaning over the weekend. Turns out-- they didn't clean it. I was angry. Fed up. Tired of repeating myself. I told them that they will now have to deal the repercussions and pick a garbage bag full of toys to get rid of. As I'm sitting in my chair, thinking back on how angry and frustrated I was, I wonder how I got here. It's silly, really. I mean, if their room is a mess-- so what. If the house is destroyed--so what. I guess the thing is, I want them to be able to have fun and be adventurous without feeling like they have so many rules. I guess, my real frustration comes from the fact that I (we) are tired of the world and pinterest and Facebook implying to us that we aren't good parents because we are either too harsh or not harsh enough. It's exhausting trying to be perfect all the time. It's downright f****ng frustrating.

So, when I look at Suzi. I know where she is. I know why she too is frustrated. We both feel this pressure to be perfect parents in an imperfect world. We feel like everyone is watching us, waiting for us to totally mess up and raise children that are completely out of control and horrible. We are trying, people. We try so hard it's affecting our relationship. We don't take enough time for ourselves, for each other, and it's growing increasingly annoying and frustrating. I so long for the days when she and I were carefree and loving and crazy in the sheets. When all inhibitions were to the wind and she and I couldn't keep our hands off of each other. I want that. I still feel that way about her. It's just that life and parenting, work and more, all have a way of intruding on that. My emotions and frustrations with everything have a way of intruding on that.

I guess the point of this post is to say, I'm DONE. We are DONE. Done trying to be perfect. Done allowing trivial and pointless things to frustrate us, because at the day, a perfectly cleaned and organized bedroom ISN'T what is most important. I want my children to be happy, well fed, cared for, loved and most all kind and interesting people. I want their imaginations to grow and sometimes, destroying their room or our house in the process is what it takes for that to happen. I am done allowing everyone and everything intrude on my relationship with my woman. I know she's changed and so have I, but we will find ourselves and each other again, when we stop trying to be perfect for a world that doesn't care.

Here are the things I am going to do to have a more peaceful and loving, intimate life again:

1. Let go of the small stuff

2. Focus on our relationship- (make deposits into the account of relationship so it is worth more).

3. Take time for myself

4. Embrace my kids, even when they are DESTRUCTION on two legs

5. Teach my children that perfection doesn't exist, but kindness, compassion and intelligence are key

6. Smile

7. Write down what I am grateful for

8. Love the little moments

9. Take mini-vacations for just Mom and Dad

10. Remind myself that I am not perfect, my fiance is not perfect and life is not perfect and it's OKAY!

I have to add a little post Suzi shared on her Facebook the other day...I couldn't agree more.

I never write anything political and I make all attempts to stay away from sharing articles and posts related to anything that is debatable. I’ve come to realize, unfortunately, that literally everything in our world has become debatable. Everyone believes their opinion and/or perception is correct. We’ve lost entire sight of empathy, understanding, love and compassion for our fellow man/woman/etc. I find myself not knowing what to tell the children in my life, for fear that what I may say is wrong or politically incorrect. How do I teach them that it is okay to have an opinion, but you should watch how/when you share it because it might offend someone else? How do I explain to them they need to say please, thank you and hold the door for strangers, when now it’s regarded as inappropriate for children to even acknowledge strangers due to stranger danger? What has happened to our country? To our people? To the very fabric of our lives? Where have we gone wrong?

All I know to do is to teach the children in my life, love, compassion, empathy and reasoning. I will aim to teach them how to allow others to share their opinions and how to be respectful to them even when they disagree. I will teach them how to look out for each other and other children in the community who may be struggling. I will teach them to become self- aware and “community” aware, so that they can ask for help or reach out to me or another parent if they notice a child is having a hard time or when they sense something is bothering him/her. I will teach the children in my life that together, through love and compassion, education and more importantly understanding and empathy, our world can become a more beautiful and more vibrant place. I will teach my children that both literally and figuratively it is important to hold the hand of their fellow peers, even when they disagree with them because EVERY single person adds VALUE to this world. I will teach them to continuously learn how to become a better, more understanding and intelligent (both emotionally and mentally) person. I will teach them that great success comes from putting yourself in the shoes of another person and that talking ill of a person only outlines YOUR faults, not the other person. I will teach them to tackle whatever conflict they may be facing, head on and not allow it to stew or manifest itself into unwarranted and inappropriate behavior. I will teach the children of my life that love and giving is what brings us together and that in order to be able to give as much as you want to, you first have to take care of yourself and your health. I will teach the children in my life that beauty is so much more than skin deep and that perfection is not a goal, but instead life experiences and a growth mindset are what we should aim for. I will correct the children in my life when they are disrespectful or struggling with their behaviors in school and out, because as a parent, that is my job. I will teach them to become respectful and kind young people who want to make a difference in this world. I will teach the children in my life to love each other with the kind of innocent, patient and unrelenting love only an un-jaded child can give.

What disgusts me are my fellow adults/peers in this world. We all talk about wanting our children to see the world in a more beautiful way and to support each other by showing care and compassion, yet, I see absolute HATRED spewing from the mouths of people I once thought were friends and family because they disagree with someone else’s perspective. How can we ever change this world if we are the ones destroying it with our words and our opinions? How do you handle conflict in a productive and appropriate way and how do you partake in actual healthy debate, instead of belittling and attacking those who oppose your opinions? What example are you setting for the children in your life?

#DapperDadz